End of December

I am going to go riding today! Whoopee. I'm nuts. It's about 2 degrees outside but I really want to get back in the saddle. I was released from IV prison yesterday when the PIC line was finally removed from my arm. That was a really creepy procedure that did not hurt at all, in fact, I didn't feel a thing when this 18 " long white worm of a little tube was snaked out of my arm vein. Yuck!

But, now I can ride. My thumb is stiff , still somewhat sore and doesn't bend at first joint. Permanently fused from a stupid cat bite. There is so much arthritic damage at the joint from the cat bite trauma and infection that doctor says it will fuse, which is better than two ends of bone rubbing with no cartilage! You know, I actually understand this because I have a horse, my big Louis, going through the very same thing. I turned him out after 3 months stall rest and said Fuse, Baby, Fuse. So we shall see about the two of us, hopefully we heal together.

So, it is coming to the end of December, the end of this "00" decade. What a ride. You get to watch all these news shows that recap the decade and a lot of sh-- happened. I am not going over all that but I must say I am looking forward to the "20-teens". I am hoping for a kinder, gentler decade. Wouldn't it be nice to finish up in Iraq and Afghanistan with negotiated peace that they could continue and that they could thrive. I hope we all continue to be healthier- it is certainly something everyone is so much more conscious of now , in small everyday choices. I am an eternal optimist I know, but that is where such reflections always take me. SO , Happy New Year to my friends and family. I hope we all live long and prosper this year coming. Now, 'scuse me while I go ride and kiss the sky!

Merry Christmas to all

Merry Christmas to my family and friends. It is Christmas Eve and the table is set, the presents are wrapped. I am about to go and feed and put the horses to bed. I know rain is forecast but I think they will be OK. I can bring them in, in the morning, if it is really bad. The kids are coming home, bearing more things to wrap and I am feeling full of love.

My husband tells me I am beautiful, I tell my daughter she is beautiful and it all stems from the love abounding.

Well, That didn't get posted, so- Merry Christmas - Christmas morning!

We had a wonderful morning with family, spent unwrapping lovely gifts to/from each other. The kids have gone to their Dad's and we are now relaxing before next social adventure. I am about to go and feed again, funny how that is neverending! Happy holidays to all.

Counting Down to Christmas

We can't put the presents under the tree until late Christmas Eve because the Lab puppy would destroy them, but that is kinda fun this year. Leo, the puppy is getting big and he is really fun, still a little floppy and he has discovered he can climb on the snow, so our snowdrifts by the front door are topped by puppy poop! The Yorkie disappeared a few times in the big drifts after the BIG snow we had over the weekend. He wanted to follow me to the front barn which was a trek in 2 1/2 foot drifts, but was stopped about 100 yds in because he was one big snowball. Sarah rescued him.

The kids are all home and it is wonderful. Sarah's boyfriend is here from California and we welcomed him with 2 feet of snow. Didn't want him to miss any part of a white Eastern Christmas! And he helped shovel out!

We buried our friend yesterday and honored his life with friends and family. His colleagues came from as far away as Moscow, California, Ohio, Texas and we all gave homage to this man who was "the best of the best". Gerry was an example to us all about how to live an honorable, generous life. We will miss him terribly.

I wish everyone a safe, warm, lovely Christmas and here's to a hopefully happier New Year. Love you.

Keepin' on

Death is a part of life, but it is really, really hard to deal with. Our friend passed night before last , even tho' it was expected , even tho' the quality of his life was gone, it is really hard to just keep going on. When somebody you love dies, part of your life dies and it is never the same. I have been to too many funerals in the past couple of weeks and I just wonder how do you just keep going on.

My heart breaks for my friends whose son died. He was only 23!

My heart breaks for my other friend's sons, they are young men, losing their father just as they are becoming men themselves.

My heart breaks for my friends who have lost their husbands, their best friends, their rocks.

How do you rearrange your consciousness to allow for an empty space and grief?

I have no answers and feel woefully inadequate to help. I offer to be there and to give hugs, but realize that the truth is you grieve alone. I can offer distraction but know the path my friends are on is a lonely walk.

But I will continue to be there and we keep going on.

Reflections

This has been a sad December for some people in my life and because we are all connected it has been an unusually reflective end to the first decade of the 21st century. Several unexpected deaths and illnesses have rocked our small community and we look at each other with care and concern, wishing we could offer more comfort, not really knowing what to say, just hoping being there is enough. My own incident with the cat bite and ensuing bone infection have stopped me cold in my usual, carefree daily life. Little things like grooming my horses, not to even mention riding are beyond my ability for the first time in a very long time. When you are healthy you rarely think about how lucky you are on a daily basis, but when you are hurt, impaired, or sick for any length of time, it is amazing how grateful you become to be able to do the smallest things. Yesterday was a month after the cat bit me and it was the first time I was able to give myself the IV injection that I am still having to take. It was liberating! to be able to do it myself! The home health nurse extended the IV line in my arm and my other (hurt) thumb is now able to push and twist the IV sryinges, so I can do it with my right hand and inject the medicine in my left arm. I am now ready to go and gallop horses!

Not really , as much as I want to ride, I am afraid of the IV line ripping out of my vein :( , so I will wait until they say I can. This is unusual for me as I think I can do anything. Taking my health and strength for granted I have worked this body as hard as I wanted forever. This morning as my husband left, I said ,"I just want to feel normal again." This brings me back to my reflections on gratitude for my health and gratitude for the life of my friends. I guess this incidents and the recent deaths of friends are making me feel fragile and that is unusual also.

I am so sorry for the grief in my friends lives. One has lost a husband, one has lost a child , another is in the middle of a long goodbye. It has been heartbreaking and sorrowful. It has been hard to find a sunny day in many respects and I cry for them. One can talk about the greater purposes and that we don't understand the Big plan, but I find more comfort in a hug and telling my friends that I care and am hurting with them and wish it wasn't the way it is. We are all connected and when one of us hurts , so do all of us share the sorrow.

Christmas is usually a time of joy and happiness, but this year , for me , it is a time for comfort. I offer comfort and love and friendship to my friends that are hurting and I am grateful for the comforts I have . I am thankful for the people in my life who enrich me beyond measure, my husband, my kids and all my friends. Thank you and Merry Christmas.

Rainy December morn

I miss being able to write about my foxhunting escapades, I miss having those escapades!!.

It is a very rainy Dec morn, following our first snow. I guess we should be thankful it is only another couple inches of rain, the Midwest is getting hammered. Please keep going northward. I am not ready for so much snow. The cold is coming tho'. I did put the waterproof blankets on the mares finally as sleet then cold wind is the toughest weather on them. I had to move everyone up close to the house, in the paddocks in front and beside driveway as my Gator broke. This is a tragedy , as anyone with a farm and a Gator can know. Moving haybales and feed buckets with a defective hand, useless arm and no Gator is my idea of torture. And all I did was try to move a cat! Now, my big, trusty Chevy 250 is helping out. Thank you for big old pickups. At least I don't have to unhook from horse trailer every time right now. And I have a neighbour who thinks he can help fix the Gator. Small blessings.

I can't wait for Christmas, all the kids are coming home and Sarah will be here for a week with her friend Kevin. The tree is up, the lights are going up and I am wrapping. It is all good.

First snowfall

First snow yesterday blanketed us with about 2 inches. I just started feeding again and I have to tackle the Gator slipping and sliding in snow. I figured I better feed really early while it was still a little frozen or I would never get up the hills. It was fine and actually beautiful. Even tho' they cancelled hunting it would have been a lovely morning to hunt, not too cold and fresh snow- the hounds love it.

The mares and foals seemed fine, nobody the worse for wear after snow.

We got our Christmas tree yesterday and it was fun to decorate. First time in many years that I did it mostly myself. Kids are all in school or in own homes (Sam). Michael was feeling low- a cold- so I put up the ones I loved best. It is a country/wildlife/foxhunting tree! There are lots of bright birds and foxes and little squirrels and foxhunt attired people. Interspersed among my animal themes are Mike's beautiful White House and CIA ornaments. Odd but it works for us!!

Recuperation

I was pretty bummed yesterday when the orthopedic surgeon told me the cat -bite infection was actually in the bone of my thumb and that this kind of bone infection is very hard to get rid of. He basically told me it was permanent damage and could re-occur, even if the long term antibiotics do "kill" most of it. Damn. I was depressed.

But, today is a new day and I feel better. The thumb is very weak and hurts but it is there and it does function, albeit stiffly. He said I do have to do at least 6 weeks of the IV antibiotics and some physical therapy to try to get the motion back. I figure as soon as I can ride ( as soon as IV line in my arm vein- to my heart-comes out), the motion from riding and holding reins will start to bring strength back- at least I hope so. Don't know about cracking my hunt whip, that might take longer! I do miss riding the most. Surprised at how much I depend on the physicality of it to maintain my own happiness. I try to walk the puppy and visit the horses, but I miss grooming them and rubbing on them. However I did feed this morning by myself and that felt great. I get help with feeding hay in the afternoons but being able to do my chores by myself felt terrific, like my life was getting back to normal. I love my quiet time, feeding in the mornings, just talking to my animals. I keep wondering why this happened , what am I supposed to be learning from this period of inactivity? Don't really have any answers, other than to re-evaluate what I am doing with my life. This is definitely something I have been doing since all the kids are pretty much gone now. The horses have not been very lucrative,in fact, I do have to chart a new course for the next 50 years of my life.

Today, however, I am going to start getting Xmas decorations out and finish shopping and start to spread some Christmas joy. This afternoon we are going to memorial service for our friend who passed away from the horse fall. We will celebrate his life and memory and give our comfort to his wife. I hope our hugs and love do help her somehow.

Sunny December 1st

It is a beautiful, cold sunny morning. Still muddy, but the sun is welcoming. I would love to go riding this morning. Lily, my little TB mare was running around, doing laps in the field this morning. She just felt good, running for the love of it. This I understand , just running and jumping and galloping 'cause you feel good to be alive is the best! This is the best time of year to go foxhunting. Oh well,next year. I can go out and road whip with a friend starting this weekend I hope.

Leo, the puppy, is happy and funny. Getting the hang of potty training, he sometimes barely makes it to the door and doesn't make it off the front step. Now, you have to watch your step. Puppy land mines! I am not letting him go with the Gator to feed yet.

Yesterday, there was a red fox sitting on the hill by the mares run-in shed. He/she seemed very nonplussed by us feeding and only sauntered off when the two little dogs ( the Yorkie and grey Schnoodle) gave chase. Then he returned . I guess to see if we were still there. Bold. I hope it is not a rabid fox. You have to be careful when a wild animal starts to seem unafraid and comes toward you. We had to shoot a rabid groundog a couple of months ago because it was literally running at us and around our feet. Butch, the fellow who helps on the farm and I must have looked hysterical that day. We had not fired the shotgun in months , I forgot how to load it . It kept locking because we were not sure how to eject the shells and the whole time this rabid groundhog was running literally around our feet. I actually climbed the three rail fence to avoid it, the whole time yelling at Butch to put it out of its misery. His beagle was doing circles with it and I was sure the stupid groundhog was going to turn around and bite the beagle. Eventually we accounted for it and then drove far into the woods to drop the body. So, I hope this fox is healthy. Butch thought it might be a female looking to den in the run-in shed. I hope not- too close to my mares for me. Never a dull moment on the farm.